Donald Trump's pseudo-principles of adult behaviour

Politics

I’ll admit to being a pushover for lists of pithy advice for living. One that I return to frequently are those compiled by John Perry Barlow.

In 1977, John Perry Barlow wrote a list of twenty-five principles of adult behaviour.

Reading through these principles in the midst of the self-serving, self-enriching careless chaos that Donald Trump has wreaked on the world, I decided to write a parallel set of principles as Trump himself might do. I give you - by way of contrast - Donald Trump’s Principles of Adult Behaviour.

# John Perry Barlow’s Principle Donald Trump’s Principle
1 Be patient. No matter what. Never wait for anything. Patience is a vice.
2 Don’t badmouth: Assign responsibility, never blame. Say nothing behind another’s back you’d be unwilling to say, in exactly the same tone and language, to his face. Constantly slam other people. Use your vilest words and harshest tone.
3 Never assume the motives of others are, to them, less noble than yours are to you. Everyone is out to get you.
4 Expand your sense of the possible. The best idea is the first one to pop in your head. You are the smartest person ever.
5 Don’t trouble yourself with matters you truly cannot change. Try to control everything to your advantage.
6 Expect no more of anyone than you yourself can deliver. The suckers are there to serve you. Play as much golf as you want. Let them do the work.
7 Tolerate ambiguity. Ambiguity is for losers. It’s “my way or the highway.”
8 Laugh at yourself frequently. Never laugh at yourself. You are in the same league as Alexander the Great. Did he laugh at himself? Uh, no…
9 Concern yourself with what is right rather than who is right. Don’t concern yourself with what is right. Only be concerned with how much it benefits you.
10 Never forget that, no matter how certain, you might be wrong. You are never wrong.
11 Give up blood sports. Embrace blood sports.
12 Remember that your life belongs to others as well. Do not endanger it frivolously. And never endanger the life of another. You are the centre of the universe. Everyone else is expendable.
13 Never lie to anyone for any reason. (Lies of omission are sometimes exempt.) Lies are the lifeblood of your image. Always lie.
14 Learn the needs of those around you and respect them. Ignore the needs of those around you.
15 Avoid the pursuit of happiness. Seek to define your mission and pursue that. Satisfying your every whim. Your happiness is paramount.
16 Reduce your use of the first personal pronoun. The first person pronoun is the most important.
17 Praise at least as often as you disparage. Never praise anyone, unless they have debased themselves for you first.
18 Never let your errors pass without admission. Ignore your mistakes. Because you don’t make them.
19 Become less suspicious of joy. Do not let others be happy.
20 Understand humility. Humility is for the weak, suckers and losers.
21 Forgive. Never forgive or forget if someone crosses you. Persecute them forever.
22 Foster dignity. There is no such thing as inherent dignity. If you are weak or poor, then you are nothing.
23 Live memorably. Grab as much as you can.
24 Love yourself. If you love yourself, you’ll be soft. May as well stoke the fires of self-hate.
25 Endure. TACO